10 Bros You Encounter in San Francisco
Historically San Francisco has been a bastion for those who have been “othered”- the Chinese laborers who ended up there after building the Transcontinental Railroad, the LGBTQ+ community in the 1960’s, and the nerdy pioneers of the “DotCom” era.
But as someone who is a self described nerd I, and many others before me, have wondered if we are really as downtrodden and in need of this safe space as our forebearers.
With shows like “The Big Bang Theory” being on the air for over a decade and comic book franchises like Marvel dominating the box offices every summer, there has been a seismic shift in culture. Now after 30 years this nerd subculture has grown into the popular culture. “Revenge of the Nerds” doesn’t seem so far fetched anymore, where real life technologically savvy teens grow up and take over the world.
The way I see it, you can use the classic pop culture storytelling dichotomy of “Jock” vs “Nerd” to chart this shift. The top of the food chain in society has been “The Provider” and until the 80’s that was the hyper masculine “Manly Man.” The “Jock”. Then our leading man changed. John Hughes asked us to root for the “underdog,” who in many cases was the literal little guy. The “Nerd.” Now our hero, the guy that got the girl and won the karate tournament, was the runt who used brain rather than brawn to conquer his obstacles.
Today, Nerds dominante the food chain- the providers are the tech giants who the old industry guard look to for the next big thing or viral video. Jocks, or as we now call them “Bros,” still exist but in a culture seemingly removed from that of the insular Tech world. Bros are prevalent enough in culture to be added to the dictionary in 2003, but their place in the narrative may be tarnished- I’d argue, rightfully so. And so in 2021 when the average person is tech savvy because of how integral technology is to daily life, and the media they consume idolizes tech giants and fictional nerds- who is the underdog? And where does the Bro end up in all of this?
From what I can tell, the Bros diversified. It seems Bros decided: if you can’t beat them- or if you’re adults and don’t have access to a locker for shoving nerds into- join them. Nerds come in every size, shape, & color. And today, they may come in 6 FT Bro.
No longer are Bros as easy to identify- polo clad and spiked with gel. While some still wear the standard modern Bro ensemble- button down, khakis, and puffer jacket- you must now wade through networking event buzzwords or high minded discussions around The Playa to get to their Bro-y center.
After 6 years of living in San Francisco, I feel pretty comfortable breaking down the most common modern Bros I’ve encountered. Also- any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events, is purely coincidental.
1. The Hype Beast
The Low Down
Also known as Party Asian if he’s South or East Asian. It’s a safe assumption that all of this dude’s money goes to maintaining his drip: Jordans, concert tickets, and bottle service. This dude likes to travel, and by travel I mean go to huge festivals around the world with 30 of his closest friends. You can bet that this Baesian is wearing Supreme, Common Projects, or Comme des Garçons. If you ask him why you’ll get something akin to, “Kayne Loves Kanye.” It’s not all about name brands and “treating yourself” with this dude though. He’s got a soft streak. He might be a romantic, but says he isn’t ready for commitment because he hasn’t met the perfect girl. That being said, he hasn’t stopped to ask if meeting drunk 20 year olds in the bathroom line at EDC is the best avenue for true love. He loves his friends, so expect a quarterly hot pot invitation. And while his parents know like 10% of shit he gets into, he’s always down for family dinner.
Overheard Saying
Drake is my Spirit Animal”
Where You’ll Find Them
At a club in Miami rolling, drinking Hennessy, and yelling about how Kanye is a visionary.
Silver Lining
His closet is huge and pristine, likely because it has to be big enough to house all his shoes. And while he might not have much room for your stuff in there, if the state of the shoes is any indication- he knows how to take care of nice things.
Final Verdict
They’re benign! Hanging out with them will leave your ears ringing, but so long as you don’t step on their Jordans you’re fine. Just be ready to go to every instagrammable event where they’ll ask for a series of photos- squatting with prayer hands.
2. The Burnout
The Low Down
If it's not the Pre-Burn, it’s Burning man. If it’s not Burning Man, then it’s a Post-Burn. This pseudo-intellectual modern hippie’s values may seem to be the antithesis of Bro-culture, but believe me- they do just let anybody onto The Playa. These dudes love the freedom that Burning Man allows, without perhaps taking in the true anti-capitalist ethos that BM was created on. The Burnouts buy most of their gear, rather than trading or building it from scratch, and really just show up to do drugs and let their freak flags fly. For the seasoned Burnout, getting to The Playa is their one goal. This means when they’re not partying at a co-op Pre-burn party, they’re spending late nights learning how to weld for the communal art installation they globbed on to for clout. Speaking of Co-op- they’ve likely spent a year living in one with 10 of their closest strangers. Keep in mind that while this dude preaches openness and understanding, if you harsh his buzz with the realities of life outside their Bay Area Bubble, he’ll check right out. Also you can always count on him still being covered in dust from their last Burn.
Overheard Saying
“Polyamory just makes more sense. You should meet my primary partner, I think you two would really vibe.”
Where You’ll Find Them
Besides Burning Man? Doing acro-yoga in Dolores Park with “new friends” or hunched over their laptop watching bodysuit sewing tutorials on youtube.
Silver Lining
They’re bendy as fuck, you can thank the acro-yoga for that one.
Final Verdict
All in all, The Burnout can be a real mess. And that might be half the fun. They’re the first one to admonish the wealthy of The Marina, but won’t own up to their Trump-supporting parents and childhood mcmansion. Besides the cognitive dissonance you may experience while talking to them, they’re pretty chill.
3. The Co-Founder
The Low Down
In my opinion, this new world Nerd-Bro hybrid is the most insufferable. Without being prompted, the Co-Founder will launch into his elevator pitch on himself, his company, and what drives him to innovate. Consistently talks about his heroes- inventors and great men of industry- emphasis on men. He knows everything about them- from how they got their start to their daily eating and sleeping habits. You can bet his bookshelf is packed with memoirs of these industry titans, “Freakonomics” style breakdowns of what success means, and self help books about life hacks. This means the Co-Founder gets four hours of sleep, microdoses acid, and practices intermittent fasting- which I can confirm will make everyone around him want to kill him. He probably still idolizes Don Draper, as evidenced by the fully stocked bar cart at his desk. He started a company with his best Bro and is looking to disrupt some industry that’s been pretty set for a while. He’s outgoing, charismatic, and knows just enough technical double-talk to get your card. In fact, he makes a great first impression. Upon meeting you he will ask where you work and proceed to list all of his “buddies” that work there. He may get as far as to ask you what you do, not listen to the answer, and then go on to monologue about his long term goals.
Overheard Saying
Likely something super generic like, “we’re looking to disrupt the XXX industry. We’re the uber for XXX.”
Where You’ll Find Them
You can find him Linkedin stalking guys he went to “B School” with, networking at Equinox, or in line at Blue Bottle with their newest angel investor. Honestly, these dudes are everywhere in SF.
Silver Lining
Has a corporate card for some reason and is more than happy to buy you steak dinner at Epic if there’s a chance of getting contacts or getting laid.
Final Verdict
he Co-Founder is all style, no substance. Once you manage to wade through the wave of buzz words, you realize you still have no idea what his industry-breaking app is supposed to do. And then the expensive wine will have worked its way out of your system, leaving a bitter taste in your mouth and the shiny gleam of a salesman hawking his goods will wear off this dude. Don’t confuse his ability to do fast math when leaving a fat tip as intelligence or honor. This dude cares more about your company’s IPO than you. In the end, you’ll see that this over-gesticulating Bro is exhaustingly always “on” and trying to close. Because selling his company, and himself, comes second nature.
4. The Brogrammer
The Low Down
Also known as the Tortoise because he’s always sporting a puffy vest over his plethora of J. Crew button downs. This dude is most likely from the midwest, meaning he’ll want to host barbecues all summer but the food will be criminally under-seasoned. The Brogrammer works either in a technical role or they’re tech-adjacent like a Product Manager. Either way they spend all day talking to classic nerds in glass conference rooms, so when he can be outside, he goes outside. If he had his way his life would consist of hiking, a golden retriever, and a bleach blonde to boss him around. I think of the Brogrammer as a square jawed man in an LL Bean Catalogue. Only with worse hair, probably. This basic Bro is usually seen sporting LuluLemon ABC Pants and unironically preaches the sermon of Starbucks and Chipotle.
Overheard Saying
“How much do you bench?” as they zoom past you at CrossFit.
Where You’ll Find Them
Brandishing their season pass for Heavenly and talking about the “fresh pow pow” any given Friday in January.
Silver Lining
If you need to find somewhere to watch sports or brunch, they’re your guy. Unless you want to go somewhere outside of The Marina
Final Verdict
The Brogrammer is usually good at his job and for the most part keeps to himself. Odds are if you run into him at a bar, he doesn’t want to be their either but, “you know how Melissa is.” Hell! This dude is pretty chill. He even knows the word, “Sativa!” But don’t tell Melissa that.
5. The Efficiency Bro
The Low Down
Some might call him the Dwight Schrute of your office. This Nerd-Bro hybrid hates humans and cares deeply about his job staring at code all day. Code doesn’t force you into small talk or shake your hand. He is working on eliminating all the inefficiencies from his life, and would be more than happy to diatribe on how it’s done. He doesn’t cook, just sucks down a chef prepared meal or bottle of soylent. If he’s over 30, he probably dresses pretty well, not because he’s all that creative, mostly because he found something that worked and bought 35 of them. This dude doesn’t see the point in having a lot of hobbies or following sports teams. But will participate in a Hackathon- only because coding through the night, mainlining diet coke, and collaborating with other humans only when absolutely necessary is already his baseline.
It’s a safe assumption this internet obsessed Nerd-Bro probably also likes video games. And by video games I mean VR Hentai.
Overheard Saying
“I’m thinking about getting a dog” before spending two years researching which designer breed will fit his indoor lifestyle perfectly. (That would be a cat, by the way.)
Where You’ll Find Them
Sitting in their spartan apartment- which consists of a mattress on the ground and a desk with a fully decked out gaming PC.
Silver Lining
They’ve got gadgets and gizmos of plenty! They try out all the new tech gadgets and gaming consoles, before AB testing them and returning their least favorites.
Final Verdict
With anyone, there are pros and cons. For example, this dude is a built-in IT Department who can fix your laptop in 10 minutes. That being said, he’ll then bemoan the state of your file sorting system for a solid half hour afterwards. In the end, let’s just hope that the cons aren’t short for “conspiracy theories about why women won’t date you and and thus shouldn’t be allowed to vote.”
6. The Bro-totype
The Low Down
Also known as the classic Fiance Bro. He works for an old school company like Goldman Sachs or at a consulting firm like Bain. Unlike many of his chill, J-Crew wearing finance counterparts that work at tech companies, the 80’s never ended for this dude because he’s sporting his best American Psycho cosplay. I’m talking tailored suits, slicked back hair, and genuine leather shoes that cost a month’s rent. Eat your heart out Shia Lebouf in “Wall Street 2.” This dude is a rare bird on the West Coast, Bros dress up by wearing their nicest Patagonia. This old school dude, truly lives the “Works Hard and Plays Hard” ethos. And he has Austin, his coke dealer and closest friend, to thank for that. All relationships are transactional for this guy, meaning he doesn’t care about you unless he knows what you can do for him. This is both the symptom of, as well as the cause of, the “kill or be killed” finance environment he thrives in. The only real sentimentality or personality he has is likely linked to his hometown sports team, who he spends most weekday nights rooting for at Polk street bars.
Overheard Saying
“It’s all about the bottom line, okay?”
Where You’ll Find Them
Can usually be found entertaining a client over insanely expensive sushi at Pabu, or at Local Edition scamming on hot out-of-towners.
Silver Lining
(I honestly cannot think of one.)
Final Verdict
I wouldn’t focus too much on this dude, if you’re going to the right bars, you’ll avoid him entirely. And thank goodness because otherwise you’d be scraping the bottom of the barrel.
7. The Foodie
The Low Down
This high brow Bro matches his moniker, perfectly. All he cares about is food, and probably the tech job that pays for this expensive hobby. The Foodie will be the first to tell you which “three dollar sign” restaurant is overrated and which is worth the price, hours long lines, or hoops you need to jump through to get a reservation. In fact, when they’re not cooking, they spend all their time researching & getting reservations for the trendiest restaurants. This dude worships Dominique Crenn, David Chang, and Anthony Bourdain. Likely having erected a small shrine of cookbooks and celebrity chef memoirs, which is prominently placed in their spartan home. All he wants to watch is the Food Network or Bon Appetit Magazine’s YouTube series. He treats each season of Top Chef as his Superbowl, and will spend the season pacing in front of the TV. It’s a safe assumption he has every knife, pressure cooker, coffee foamer, and obscure cooking apparatus necessary to make any dish he can think of.
Overheard Saying
“That’s actually a sushi knife. I got it in Japan. Brad Leone has the same one.”
Where You’ll Find Them
Stress baking bread. Meaning he’ll spend more time with his starter, affectionately named Mother Superior, than with you.
Silver Lining
You’ll never go hungry. You will need to renew your gym membership though.
Final Verdict
While spending time with this dude may introduce you to some of the finer things in life, keep in mind that he will judge you for drunkenly eating Taco Bell. And yet he’ll still try to get in on your chalupa. It’s high highs and low lows with a pseudo-artiste like this. So be ready to console him when his souffle doesn’t rise or after he binge watches Binging with Babish and convinces himself he needs a sleeve of tattoos. All in all, you’re not his first priority. And you know this because he won’t remember your birthday, but will remember to burb his Kimchi.
8. The CosPlayer
The Low Down
Unlike a lot of the Nerd-Bro’s thus far, this dude started as a Nerd and became a Bro. The CosPlayer is the descendent of the prototypical, Big Bang Theory Nerd. The real difference between this Nerd-Bro is that while he has been at the bottom of the food chain, he uses his newfound power for evil rather than good. For example, he can empathize with women and go so far as to say his is a feminist, but the only female video game or movie characters he loves are stacked and devoid of backstory. He can contort himself into unflattering positions defending the misogyny of his favorite Twitch streamers. And don’t even get him started on GamerGate. Day to day though, this dude spends every available minute he’s not at his Tech job playing video games and working on his convention costume. He spends all his money souping up his gaming PC and getting the newest consoles. Every countertop or conceivable storage space is covered in Pop Funkos from his favorite shows, movies, comic books, and video games. As nerdy and sometimes shitty as this dude is, he’s always somehow in a relationship with a kind nerd girl- you gotta love that 70/30 gender breakdown in Silicon Valley.
Overheard Saying
“I sort of hate Rey. She’s so boring! Luke was a character you could get behind.”
Where You’ll Find Them
Six hours into a final fantasy campaign or waiting in line at Comic Con to get into a panel about the newest niche Marvel character reveal.
Silver Lining
The fastest internet speed you ever did see.
Final Verdict
I want to say that this Nerd-Bro hybrid means well and looks out for the common man- or person. But my gut says that the line between Nerd & Nerd-Bro is too fine to let one’s guard down just yet. All in all, this dude is pretty benign and while he has some unsavory opinions, it comes from ignorance rather than malice. If you’re befriending a CosPlayer, just be ready to never watch what you want to watch-unless what you want to watch is a 15 hour playthrough of the newest Naughty Dog game. And Pro Tip: never say the word, “Prequels” around them unless you’re ready to settle in for a diatribe about Hayden Christensen.
9. The Settler of Catan
The Low Down
Also known as the “I’d love to but I can’t” guy. He’s the one in the friend group who lives in either the East Bay or Outer Sunset and questions that decision every time he’s invited out. But the allure of living alone and/or owning his own place really got to him, so this is his life now. He’s a real practical guy, that way. It’s alright though, he has at least one dog that will hold him over until he’s stuck at home without seeing anyone for months on end because of a pandemic. So now when he sees people in real life he gets real jumpy and excited. His hobbies change depending on the girl he’s dating or trying to date. Meaning his apartment is filled with skis, neon rave tank tops, untouched celebrity cookbooks, Han Solo cosplay, and a hiking backpack with a window for an ex’s cat. If this dude is over 30, he only hangs out with couples, in large part because doesn’t have single friends anymore, but also because he not-so-secretly loves Game Nights. It is, perhaps, his only real passion. All in all, The Settler is just a Good Guy.™
Overheard Saying
“What piece would you like? I’ll be the Thimble.”
Where You’ll Find Them
Playing Settlers of Cattan deep into the night and drinking rose because, “the girls brought it over and it’s all that’s left.” (Sure, Jan.)
Silver Lining
Is down to stay in and play monopoly, or even watch The Bachelor! But that stays between you two.
Final Verdict
He is maybe the perfect person to be quarantined with because that was his life even before the pandemic. He’s got board games, puzzles, and at-home co-op escape rooms games. (Don’t ask). I’d wager that this dude is really ready to settle down but keeps spooking the girls he goes out with because they aren’t yet. Let’s hope that this hasn’t damaged his spirit. Because when Good Guy™ goes sour he can turn into A Real Dick.
10. A Real Dick
The Low Down
Sometimes, what you see is what you get. And with A Real Dick, that’s what you're getting. A Dick. This dude comes from money and isn’t shy about it. But why would he be? He’s a dick. And he knows it. It’s a pretty standard story- he has trust issues because growing up he wasn’t sure if people liked him for him or his parent’s money. (Note: it wasn’t his stellar personality). So eventually, he just pulled a Sheryl Sandberg and leaned in. This Bro went to a bougie, name brand school and likes to bring it up from time-to-time. Has a job in Tech or Finance. Honestly, nobody really knows what he does for work. He is a friend group “floater.” He isn’t part of the main crew, but he’s the guy you call when you wanna see where the party’s at or you’re tracking down party favors. He always knows a guy that knows a guy. Meaning bottle service and early access to that show in Vegas you heard about, along with a ride on a jet to get there in time. Doesn’t have girlfriends, only fuckbuddies. “Buddy” might be a strong word, given that no names are exchanged. Sometimes money is though. He dresses well and takes care of himself- mostly because he can afford a personal shopper, facialist who makes house calls, and that service that provides IV bags to beat hangovers. For all the rich perks, this dude still has a chip on his shoulder. He’ll need an abundance of affirmation from friends, and will lord all he’s done over your head if you don’t comply.
Overheard Saying
“No worries, dude. My buddy from Wharton is banging the girl who runs the list, so we’re as good as in.”
Where You’ll Find Them
Pulling the sparkler out of a magnum bottle of grey goose at the loungey third club of the evening.
Silver Lining
He always has an ‘in.” To clubs, influencer events, and restaurants.
Final Verdict
To some, this Bro is their “party friend,” someone they only see at ragers whose name they always forget. To many, this Bro is the bane of their existence, and likely half the reason they don’t go out anymore. To most, this Bro is their coke dealer- in that he always has at least a gram on him. This dude may get on your nerves, but there’s something refreshing about someone who always says what they mean. Even if what they’re saying is “actually I went to prep school with Diplo... yeah I bought him his first set up.”
In the end, no matter the Nerd-Bro, we have to acknowledge that we live in a brave new world where anyone can be anything. This new amalgam is all around us and more often than not, means you no harm- besides spraining your ankle keeping up with them on a hike or falling asleep on BART as they drone on about their Burning Man installation.
But all in all, you can’t blame someone for getting super into LOTR and Pop Funkos, while also still being able to walk into a Buffalo Wild Wings and know when to cheer. If anything, it’s pretty impressive. My hope is that this new breed of Nerd-Bro learns something from all it’s predecessors- not to “other” people. And that you, dear Reader, now know how to avoid a Co-Founder or spot A Real Dick when you need them.